February 14 2012

Valentine's Day, one of the holidays I've come to hate and wish I didn't.  Sam used to do his best to make it special and he wasn't the kind to forget the same went for my birthday. I wish so many times that he was here not just for me but for his children but it's one of those things about my life I have no control over.   I do hope those I love are made to feel special and appreciated today because that's what it's all about.

Feb 10th

Somehow developed a stomach bug after spending the day with my daughter and granddaughter.  Keep hoping the baby doesn't get it or my mom because it was miserable.   I still feel kind of off but the stomach cramps were the worst part of it and they seem to have stopped so that's a relief.  Been feeling down today letting myself worry about the things I can't control so may just go watch some videos on Youtube that I know will make me laugh.

Feb 6th

Today was my daughter's due date to have her baby!  But my beautiful grand daughter is almost two weeks old already.  That's right Mariella Sky arrived on January 26th just shy of midnight!  I don't think she was early or anything like that as she weighed a healthy 7.5.  I think they may just have been off on my daughter's due date and we already went for her first Drs appt and she is doing great.  I love watching Amanda with her I can tell she is head over heels over her baby and I know this because Amanda has fantasized about being a mommy since she was a little girl.   And Ella like her mommy is a good baby who seldom cries and just sleeps and eats or looks around at her new world.  She has a smidgeon of dark hair covering her tiny head and what looks promising as blue eyes but too soon to tell.  I was there when she was born supporting my daughter and I held her when she was minutes old.   I can't wait to share every little bit of her new life now.  My only regret is that Sam is not here to see this little miracle and to be called Grampy Stone.  : (

New Years Eve Dec 31st

Tonight is just another night for me although I have often dreamed of doing something exciting for the New Year I never have.  It like most holidays these days is usually spent alone in the empty trailer.  Ricky is home from college but with his sister.  She mentioned bringing him home today because she had to work tomorrow but haven't seen him yet so who knows.  I'm thinking of making up a wish list although I would rather call it a dream list.  Some call it a bucket list and I have to admit I have done some things already that I couldn't have imagined some twenty thirty years ago.  They are things that would never have happened had it not been for the  people that have wandered into my life.   My faith has been damaged over and over and like a silly child for some strange reason I continue to dream and fantasize about what may be and what could be even though the odds are stacked up against it.   I should tell my grand daughter that someday and all my future grand children that yes even at fifty you continue to dream and to believe in them.

Thursday Dec 29th

I was thinking about this last night when I couldn't sleep yet again.  But maybe God does hear me, maybe too well.  I mean just a couple weeks ago I was at work and wishing for the millionth time that I could get off third shift because even after like two years I still could not adjust to it and was getting by on an average of four hours of sleep sometimes less.  And there was also the impending arrival of my granddaughter and my desire to be available to help my daughter out once she is born.  And to be honest I was very, very unhappy working there the last few years so who knows maybe it was destiny.  I mean I wasn't  the first to be let go and certainly won't be the last.  Three times in the last few years I saw them let people go who'd been with the company for some thirty years or so, it's a corporation they don't care about people they only care about numbers.  They eliminated my job but I'm still here.   So maybe I'm meant to move onto to something better and I have to keep that frame of mind.   It's hard for I ever the pessimist but I shall try

Year End

Just went down to mom's fed the horses and took a shower.  Yeah see the thing is my trailer is over thirty years old and like falling apart.  Can't take a shower here because when I do the water comes out under the toilet so been taking my showers at Mom's.   Couldn't afford to hire someone to fix the problem before I lost my job so yeah I'm in a great place now.  I make the mistake of saying to myself how much worse can it get but homeless is always a possibility.  One thing I'm thankful for, my kids are on their own, Amanda lives with her boyfriend and Ricky is up at campus so at least this crap wasn't happening when they were living here.

Year End

Since my life is about to take a nose dive and change drastically I've decided to become a blogger and perhaps see if it helps me with my coping.   So here goes; as of the end of the month, my job that I've had for fifteen years is being eliminated.  Not sure if that's the new fancy way of saying you're fired but it is what it is.   And in just a little over a month I'll become a grandma, still sounds weird.  But my beautiful daughter will bless me with a grand daughter.  Not sure I'm ready for this but who is.   Okay that's enough for now!