It  has been almost four years since I have posted in this blog!  I lose track of time which is strange because a lot of times, like today, I just sit and do nothing because I feel frozen or maybe it's that I have so much I need and want to do that it becomes overwhelming to even think about. And this house, not even a house, a mobile home; quiet and empty. Yes it's fairly new and now it's mine, the home the land are mine, I paid them off in full which I guess in today's world is quite an accomplishment but in truth it means nothing because I am still, 24 years after Sam's death...alone.  My kids are grown and gone, my baby girl is a mother herself and there is no longer a need for me. Oh yes I babysit, perhaps more than most grandmothers are asked or are willing to do.  I cherish every second I spend with Ella but in the end I'm still alone.

I have been sick with a flu for the last few days and not a single person has called or stopped in to see how I'm doing or if I need anything.  It occurred to me that I could die here and no one would know.  At what point would people realize I haven't been around or would they?  Well yes my mother would because I'm there every day to take care of the animals.  Why do I keep the animals because that too has become overwhelming and the truth is I don't have the time to do anything with the horses I had all these plans for.  By the same token I did  not plan to lose my job anymore then I planned to lose Sam.  So all the plans, all the dreams go out the window and I'm too tired to invest in any more plans so I just keep doing what I've been doing because I don't know what else to do.  Change takes too much energy and I just don't have it.

I feel old, so very old.  Today I woke up and had trouble walking because my knees hurt so badly.  Sometimes it's my back and of late it has been my left shoulder which I found out from PT is called frozen shoulder and my left shoulder is apparently six degrees colder then my right, hmm.  My body aches all the time and I still have the aches from the car accident of 2009 the worse of which might be the vertigo that comes and goes.  I am old and I don't kid myself about that, I'm angry that I have so little time left and angry that I wasted so much of my time grieving for Sam and living only for my children after he died.  I do not regret for one minute the time I invested in my kids, I wish I had done so many things better or right.  But I wish I had devoted even a little time to me so that Mary had not gotten lost to Mom.  With the kids grown and gone I don't know how to define myself anymore. I feel angry sometimes because I don't think I have really had the chance to live for me.  There  is so much I would like to do and I know I never will.  I've been trying since I was let go in 2011 to find another secure job and have failed at every turn.  I get periodic interviews and they don't pan out.  I found what I thought would eventually be a great job and lost that to civil service rules.  I don't get it, why keep trying.  I don't have enough time to rebuild my retirement, there is no hope that I will ever be able to travel again.  I have no idea when if ever I will be able to retire and all around me the world is going to shit.  It's a world I'm uncomfortable in, nothing about it is familiar anymore.  Yes I'm depressed and anxious, just as I have been most of my life.  Everything around me has changed but I have not.